Buttermilk Bakery

1198 Orange AveWinter Park, FL 32789 • (321) 422-4015 • buttermilk-bakery.com
 

The Battle of the Brunch is over! No more must you endure the challenges of getting a table at The Briar Patch (albeit very worthy). There is finally another game in town with a pretty killer breakfast. But like Solla Sollew, it’s not entirely without its problems, so don’t get your hopes too, too high.

First of all, you’re gonna have to drive ( a few minutes) because it’s not on Park Avenue. Second, the menu for prepared food is VERY small. And worse still, they are militant about when they start to serve it, promptly at 11am. So, if you get there prior, grab a table and wait. Or you can feel free to gorge yourself on the plentiful baked goods that are readily available from the moment they open their doors.

Once the clock strikes eleven, this charming little place fills up like a clown car (hence why you want to get there beforehand to earmark a table), and for good reason, the food, for the most part, is quite good. The best of which are the cloud-like, fluffy apple pancakes. Best thing we had. Also decent is the veggie frittata, although it was a little over-salted if you ask me.

And as I mentioned, from the baked goods, we had the cinnamon donut holes, which were just okay, but to be fair I don’t think are truly representative of the other things in the case.

Mario by Mary

2 Pennsylvania Plaza New York, NY 10121 (917) 475-1830thepennsy.nyc/mario-by-mary

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I have to admit I’ve become a bit of a Pennsy groupie, eating from there roughly three or more times a week. But as life-saving as it is to have this treasure trove just a stone’s throw away from my office, the Pennsy is unfortunately not the Solla Sollew I once thought it to be.

But shockers of all shockers, the weak link isn’t either of the two “healthy” options, as Cinnamon Snail and Little Beet both carry their weight like a champion sumo wrestler. No, the disappointment comes from the prodigal son, Mario Batali and his partner in blah, Mary.

Having now had not one, but two different grilled cheeses there, I walked away very unsatisfied both times. The first time going with the honey and truffle sandwich and the second time rolling the dice on the eggplant. As a backhanded compliment, I will say that the pickled veggie salad they give you on the side is actually pretty nice though. But not good enough to make up for the fact that you’d be better off heading a few blocks over to No. 7 Sub. So be warned Mario and Mary, I’m gonna give you one last shot, because I have my eye on that Cubano (pictured), but this is make it or break it time, so if you don’t bring it like a cheerleader on Adderall,  you could very easily slide to a one.

2 teeth

Zafra

Dorado Beach Plantation Village Dorado, Puerto Rico • 00646 • (787) 626-1054 doradobeachclubs.com

tuna-duo

If you’re staying at The Ritz Carlton in Dorado Beach and want to mix it up a little from the resort restaurants, don’t. I can completely empathize with the desire for adventure, but as the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Located in the “Plantation,” which I suppose is Puerto Rican for “clubhouse,” as in the clubhouse you’d expect to find at many a golf resort (not to shit on it too much though, it is a rather grand clubhouse, taking cues from its name and looking a lot like a giant house on a plantation), but a clubhouse is still a clubhouse and our dread started creeping in fast as we approached.

Situated in a corner on the top floor the dining room sorta shat the bed. Totally depressing. Away from the water. By the golf course, part of the clubhouse (can you tell I don’t like clubhouses yet?), the dining room is just small and somewhat dated, populated by a lifeless crowd. So, we opted to sit outside where we were attacked by mosquitoes and a bat (guess this explains why we were the only ones sitting outside), who circled around our table for the entire meal. Lucky for me I don’t have much hair left for it to get tangled in. Wifey wasn’t too happy though.

And the unhappiness only swelled from there. The pork chop was dangerously under cooked and even more dangerously boring. As for the salmon entrée, it was also under cooked with a smidge more flavor than the pork.

On the upside, neither of us was bitten by the bat (just the mosquitoes). On the downside, I shoulda listened more closely to the story of Solla Sollew, by Dr. Seuss, when I was a child. Well, lesson finally learned. Even Nirvana has its misses.

1 tooth