251 Lex

251 Lexington Ave. Mount Kisco, NY 10549 • (914) 218-8156 •  251lex.com

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I was excited to try this relative newcomer, which seemed to have promise from the outside looking in. Unfortunately, the promise only seems to be on the outside. In fact, the only nice thing I can say about the inside is that the people are nice. Oh, and the prices were pretty great, granted it was restaurant week, but only twelve dollars for a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc is worthy of a star in and of itself.

Beyond the wine and the warm pita with olive oil, the restaurant falls short on virtually every other metric possible, coming off like a child’s doll house dressed up to play a game of restaurant. The kids, a.k.a. waiters, inside trying so hard to please that it’s almost charming, but when they keep spilling water everywhere and forgetting silverware, the charm wears thin.

In terms of grub, nothing was god awful, but if tepid is the response you’re looking for, then you’ve come to the right place. Starting with the oysters, they were probably the best thing of the night, clean and fresh, served with a beet mignonette that overpowers them, so I would skip it. And while we’re on the subject of skipping things, the kale Caesar salad was cream based, a major no-no, and blah based, also a no-no.

For entrees, the salmon with cracked bulgur struggled to even register a pulse, as did the signature octopus dish, served with Israeli couscous in a skillet that’s so friggin piping hot you could probably still use it as a kiln to bake ceramics after it cools down a touch.

With the writing already firmly on the wall, there was little dessert could do to sway my already solidified opinion and as one would expect, dessert did little to even try. The Greek yogurt and honey panna cotta with fig mostrada, while interesting in theory, proved par for the course in terms of taste. That said, I’m not the biggest panna cotta fan, so the fact that I didn’t hate it is a major coup for 251. And finally the gelati was also semi-decent in the most average sense possible, falling short of supermarket gems like Talenti and Steve’s.

And falling short was theme throughout. Short of expectations and hopes. Really not sure what people see in this place or why it has the crowd or reviews that it does, but I suppose I’ll chalk it up to the fact that people are easily fooled. Case in point, Trump will be the Republican nominee for president. Mic drop.

2 teeth

Rocky’s

235 Saw Mill River Rd. Millwood, NY 10546 • (914) 941-2165rockysdeli.net

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Word on the street is that Rocky’s just hauled in a nod from the folks at Best of Westchester (that street being Rt.133), so it goes without saying that I needed to scoot my opinionated bones on over there to order up some sammies.

The place looks like any one of a thousand just like it in the city, long counter on one side, stuffed to the gills with rolls, wedges & ciabattas, backed by a task force of sandwich soldiers armed with cooktop skillets the size of sofas and bins upon bins of prepped ingredients. And on the other side you’ll find a wall of fridges loaded with every imaginable beverage one could ever hope to wash down a hoagie with.

Unfortunately, this faithful homage to city sandwich shops is so faithful that the sandwiches are nothing special. I guess people are just wistfully lining up out of sentimentality for the days when they used to live in the city. So therein lies the good news, you no longer have to drive an hour into the city to get your fix. But a reality check is definitely in order, because the sandwiches are far from the “best” in Westchester.

To get all specific on your ass, almost every sandwich requires that you add something to it, because they are too bland as is. For example The Untouchable desperately needed to touch some tomatoes or coleslaw or roasted red peppers- anything to give it moisture! Plus, the chicken cutlet is so thin it tastes like nothing more than its breading. Then there’s the actual bread. And together they overpower the grilled prosciutto, mozz and balsamic.

The Whaler, while better than The Untouchable, was also just okay, mainly due, once again, to a meek portion of fish so thin you could floss with it (not exactly what I would call “whale-like”), breaded and fried, along with hash browns and tripling down on the theme, a fried egg. There’s also American cheese, but what it needed most was ketchup or hot sauce to make it interesting enough to finish both halves.

The Chip Chip was easily the best of the three, with chipotle chicken, chipotle mayo, smoked gouda, bacon and avocado all on ciabatta. It had some nice kick, but if spicy sandwiches are your thang, then you owe it to yourself to head on over to Armonk and get The Heat at Melts. It beats the Chip Chip out of Rocky’s.

2 teeth

The Ultimate Croque Madame

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While the struggle for women’s equality has been slow going on the whole, I would like to point out two areas where things appear to be going quite swimmingly: chess and sandwiches.

Starting with chess, the Queen is hands down the best piece on the board. She can go wherever she wants, as far as she wants. And she’s worth nearly twice as many points as any other piece in the game. Whereas the king can only move one space in any direction, but only if that doesn’t put him in check. Lame.

So too is the croque monsieur when compared to a croquet madame. I mean sure, I love a ham and cheese as much as the next guy, but throw a fried egg on top and it’s like an edible ace of spades. But now that we know who wins in a head-to-head amongst croques, it begs the question, who wins amongst the madames? Or more ironically stated, who is the king of the madames?

 Craftbar – New York, NY

Sacrébleu! You need to stop whatever you are doing right now and roll your bones on over to Craftbar for this one. Yes, Tom Colicchio is the man behind the lady, serving up the most flawless madame since… I’m painting myself into a corner on this one, aren’t I? If I say my wife half of you will say “aww” and the other half will roll your eyes, my wife included. If I say Bo Derek, playing off the “10” thing, then I need to qualify that I am doing so only as a pop culture reference, because in terms of substance she was far from perfect. I could go Jolie or Elle McPherson who seem to have beauty and substance, but I am so far off topic right now it’s not even funny, so back to it.

What makes this croque rock is a perfect balance of textures. Too often I find inferior croques allow the oils from the gruyere and the ham to turn the bread to mush and there are few things in this world worse than a soggy croque. But due to the skillet cooking/serving vessel, Craft Bar manages to keep the bread nice and crunchy, so when you bite into it, those caramelized chunks of grilled bread break away, letting through a wave of gooey goodness from the egg yolk and the cheese. And just when you think you’ve hit cloud nine, apparently there’s a cloud ten, carrying with it the sweet, magical saltiness of the ham. It’s an absolute clinic on the values of simplicity and great ingredients. It’s also easily one of the best 10 sandwiches in New York City.