Two Oceans

Table Mountain National Park, Cape Town, 7975, South Africa • +27 21 780 9200 • https://www.two-oceans.co.za

This place is quite literally living on the edge, nestled into the side of a rocky cliff, overlooking the Cape of Good Hope (pictured). As a result, the views are absolutely stunning, and although it’s as touristy as all hell, they somehow manage to pull things off with a modicum of class. I might even go so far as to say it just might be one of the best on site tourist trap restaurants I’ve ever been in.

Our lunch began with our charming waiter, Lovermore taking our order and making strong recommends, for which I couldn’t love Lovemore more (I know it sounds like something out of the movie “Superbad,” but I shit you not that this was his real name, or at least what he goes by and appears on his nametag).

Per Lovemore’s suggestion, we opened with a refreshing bottle of a South African Chenin Blanc and a dozen oysters that were awesome sauce. This was then chased by the giant prawns, which were buttery beyond belief, in a good way (for taste buds, not arteries).

The caprese salad was quite enjoyable as well, although the biscuit they serve with it, while also tasty, was extraordinarily hard to cut. In fact even Durst with a bone saw might find this to be a challenge.

The only out and out miss was the Turkish Delight cheesecake for dessert. I guess I was homesick for my home away from home and paid the price dearly, because it was disgusting. But I’ll gladly take the heat for this one, because I shoulda listened more to Lovemore. God, I love the wordplays with his name.

I also love the fact that this place manages to buck expectations and temptations to phone it in and be just another touristy cafe that has you by the balls since there’s nowhere else to eat. Good on ya, Two Oceans. For that alone I give you two thumbs up.

Cull & Pistol

75 Ninth Ave. New York, NY 10011(646) 568-1223 • cullandpistol.com

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Can I just say how much I love Chelsea Market? I mean as a foodie it’s like a dream in mall form. Fish markets, Italian markets, spice markets, meat markets, bakeries and restaurants lined up like culinary wishes come true. It’s a bit like Faneuil Hall in Boston, only cooler and less touristy. Not to mention less food courty. If you haven’t been you really need to take a stroll. And if you have been, but haven’t tried one of the restaurants yet, well, you need to do that too (Hale & Hearty Soups withstanding).

I did just that very recently at Cull & Pistol and I have to say, I was pleased & delighted. The vibe is fish shack chic and the service is surprisingly warm and friendly for NYC, from door to table and back again. Not many tables though, so I recommend making a rezzy or going at an off-hour.

Impressing the palate were some of the freshest oysters I think I’ve ever had. Granted I suppose it shouldn’t be that surprising considering they are affiliated with the Lobster Place fish market next door. That said, I didn’t think they had as huge a selection as some other joints in town, but I think they are playing it for quality not quantity and quality they were. My favorite being from Osterville, MA funny enough, which is near and dear to my heart for other reasons as well, I spent many a summer there over the years.

If you don’t dig on the raw variety, however, I highly recommend their fried option, called Pistols on Horseback. Three fried oysters wrapped in prosciutto with crème fraíche and chives sitting atop a mini tortillas. I’m not sure why the name, but I’m pretty damn sure you’ll like ‘em.

The grilled octopus was one of the weaker dishes IMO, but most certainly not bad. Perhaps it’s more due to the fact that I’ve had some pretty astounding plates of pus lately and this was not amongst them.

For the main course I went right into the eye of the storm, ordering the highly acclaimed Connecticut Lobster Roll (pictured), well-knowing that head-to-head with Red Hook Lobster Pound this would most likely pale, and pale it did. Again, most definitely not bad by any distortion of logic, in fact, it was actually very good, but it’s also no Ultimate.

And for dessert, C&P ended strong with a very tasty slice of lemon meringue pie. Not too sweet, with that perfect punch of tartness, which is just how I like it. And like it I did, from the first bit to the last… and from Cull to Pistol… not that I have any idea what that even means.

3 teeth

The Ultimate Oysters Rockefeller

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Nola – New Orleans, LA

Normally I prefer my oysters like my Eddie Murphy, Raw. In fact, “prefer” is putting it mildly. Truth be told I tend to find something inherently very cheap about cooked oyster dishes such as this. Like something you’d expect to find at bas mitzvahs and weddings and other heavily catered events. Done with the sole purpose of covering up the flavor of the mollusk. Assumingly due to one of two reasons:

  1. To hide the fact that it’s not fresh enough to be served raw.
  2. To make it more palatable for an audience who doesn’t truly like oysters.

Well, at least that’s what I used to think, until Emeril showed me the light- along with some bacon. And about a dozen other ingredients. But somehow it was all done in a way so as not to drown the mollusk in a sea of over-preparation. Instead, he still somehow managed to pull the flavor of the oyster through this onslaught of other palate pleasers, rising up like a seventh wave of the attack. I say seventh as a nod to “Dream of the Blue Turtles,” because apparently the seventh wave is love according to Sting, and who am I to argue with Sting, because I truly did love every last complex morsel on the half shell.

Blue Plate

1415 Montana Ave. Santa Monica, CA 90402 • (310) 260-8877 • blueplatesantamonica.com

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Great addition to the walkable Santa Monica scene. Think of it as a little taste of Cape Cod far, far from home. From the decor to the food, this place has it down.

They also have good beer, fresh oysters and terrific red curry mussels (be sure to ask for extra bread to sop up the sauce- like an entire loaf maybe). And stick the landing with a pretty amazing Key Lime Pie. That’s the makings for a pretty happy mouth right there.

The only let down is the Lobster Roll. Not that it was flat out bad, I mean c’mon, it’s lobster meat piled on a hotdog bun, but compared to the Northeast, it’s just “eh.” However, if you’re nursing a lobster roll fix and the only thing that will cure it is more cow bell, then it will definitely suffice.

3 teeth

The Mermaid Inn

568 Amsterdam Ave. New York, NY 10024(212) 799-7400 themermaidnyc.com

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Hi. My name is Ferocious Foodie. And I too am a Mermaid lover. In fact, I don’t think I’ve loved a mermaid this much since Ariel, The Little Mermaid. From the first bite (well, technically “sip”) to the last, everything was great.

The wife and I both started with cocktails. I partook a pair of Pink Dahlias, which sounds more fru fru than it is. It’s actually a spicy margarita with grapefruit. Tart, refreshing, spicy and perfecty. Can’t recall what the wife had because I’m a typical, self-absorbed male, but I know she liked it because I asked… So I’m not a total schmuck.

Everything else we shared, to a symphony of simultaneous foodgasms. The octopus was tender with a nice contrasting char for texture. And it was dressed with wonderful flavors that netted out a touch sweet, but in a good way.

The oysters were fresh an delicious. We did the Kusshi, which, if you’ve never had them are so sweet you’d think they were candy. And the Mermaid Cove, which were delightfully creamy. Great combo for those who don’t dig on the brine.

For entrees we split the lobster “sandwich” and the fish tacos and the reason “sandwich” is in quotes is because it’s a lobster roll. Not sure why they don’t call it that. I’m assuming there’s no copyright infringement since about 1000 other places call it that, but whatever. Maybe that’s not how they roll… oof. Even I cringed on that one. But cast your cringes aside, because the roll/sandwich thingy is up there with the Ultimates. Quite handily better than Luke’s down the street and as good as Pearl Oyster Bar. Yes, I said it. Just not quite as big as Pearl’s though, making it a bit pricier per ounce. But like Fancy Feast, it’s worth it. And truth be told, Mermaid’s fries are better.

The fish tacos were mighty fine as well, adorned with pickled jalapenos and a side of handy fresh made salsa. Together they made for sloppy, fishy bliss.

And finally, for dessert, there is no menu. They simply bring you an espresso cup filled with chocolate pudding and call it a night. No charge. Just as a thank you. Well, Mermaid, thank YOU for a wonderful meal. My only regret is having not tried you sooner.

5 teeth

Bohemian

57 Great Jones St. New York, NY 10012 •  playearth.jp

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Similar to RAO’s, Bohemian enjoys a frustrating, yet cool exclusivity. You can’t just make a reservation. First you need to have already been here. But how is that possible? It’s like the chicken and egg quandary.

Simply put, you have to be invited by someone who was once invited themselves. So, now the big question is whether or not it’s worth all of the cavorting to get in.

Maybe. If you get off on feeling special and in the know, Bohemian easily checks that box as you walk down its long, nondescript hallway, past the butcher shop that faces the street, only to arrive upon a frosted glass door with a buzzer on it. You ring it and wait. Then, someone answers and asks if you have a reservation, and only after confirming the name will they buzz you in. It’s like the restaurant version of an underground sex dungeon. Not that I would know anything about that, but now I’m probably going to have quite the time convincing the wife of that.

Unfortunately, if you are going for the food, it doesn’t quite live up to expectations. Especially when you compare it to other elusive Asian-American fusion hotspots like Momofuku Ko or Pearl & Ash.

We started with the array of garden vegetables and fondue, served in a purposefully rustic bucket of ice next to a flaming ramekin of fondue. It seemed reminiscent of the way a meal starts at Blue Hill at Stone Barns, only Blue Hill actually manages to pull it off. These veggies were nothing of the sort. Quite tasteless actually. Thankfully the fondue resuscitated them as they were in desperate need of the due.

The oysters were good, but raw oysters are more a dimension of sourcing than they are culinary cred.

The “mini” burgers (pictured), while not all that mini were perfectly cooked and among the highs. But not anywhere near an Ultimate.

Another strong player was the bacon served with a gigantic honey, raisin crostini, which was key. Because once you put that salty bacon on that sweet crostini you know happiness is the truth.

And last but not least, the branzino. Probably the best thing of the night, but specifically VERY familiar to me as it is prepared in an extremely similar manner as a Jamie Oliver recipe that we make at home all the time, which I love. It’s baked with a medley of vegetables and in Bohemian’s case, with roasted garlic as well. It’s very good, but because I have it all the time at home, it was hard for me to get too excited about it.

I wish I had more jubilant praise to report, but when you are pulling in 4.5 knives on Yelp and closing your door to the masses, I think you have to be held to a higher standard. And currently, that standard is too high for Bohemian.

3 teeth