Match Burger & Lobster

580 Riverside Ave. Westport, CT 06880 • (203) 557-8800 • matchburgerlobster.com

Fortunately, there is no affiliation to the Burger & Lobster in New York city, because I’m not a fan. As for this one, I am in love. What gives? “Match’s” which is written in teeny, tiny letters on the logo, but it makes a world of difference, let me tell you.

So, what does the “Match” mean, well, if you’ve been to Match in South Norwalk, this is a sister restaurant, and if you ask me, she’s the much hotter of the two. And while I was extremely sad to see Fleisher’s Kitchen go, RIP, I- wait, what was I saying? Huh. I already forgot, because Burger and Lobster is amnesia-inducing good, boasting both the best burger and the best lobster roll in town. Can’t decide which one to get, fuggetabouit! You can get both with the Mini Combo- a slider version of the bigger Match Burger anda mini version of the lobster roll as well.

Now let me break it down for you. The burger meat is sourced from the amazeballs butcher Fleisher’s, next door, then smothered with sweet and sour onions, bacon and cheddar dip. It’s not for the faint of heart. Granted, if you’re really bold, you can go for broke with their top-of-the-line burger also topped with lobster and truffles (pictured).

As for the lobster roll, it’s Connecticut style, duh, served buttery and warm, with a slight zag, served on a round bun in the larger full-entrée form, yet in a mini hot dog roll for the combo, paying more faithful homage to tradition.

The steamers are also strong. Fries and onion rings are decent, but everything is served with potato chips so you really don’t need ’em. Plus, I personally wouldn’t waste your time or caloric intake on any of them, because they crush it on the desserts. Both the Key lime pie and the warm chocolate brownie a la mode will have you cramming your face into the metal tray like dog to his bowl. Game. Set. Match.

Joey’s By the Shore

64 Compo Beach SWestport, CT 06880 • (203) 227-5356
 

They kinda have you by the balls and they know it, so don’t expect anything above cafeteria-grade grub. But you’re on the beach with no other options within a mile, so just go with it. Unless you were smart enough to pack tastier options in your cooler or are willing to bite into a seagull.

Inside, it is a sweaty, under-dressed, over-merchandised, fast food hell with very few choices that are under 5,000 calories of deep-fried sin. From fries, to chicken fingers to fried oysters and onion rings. Burgers and hot dogs, grilled cheese, buttered lobster rolls. It’s definitely not the place to go if you want to look svelte in a bikini. That said, there are wraps and deli sandwiches and watermelon to help keep you from porking out too, too much.

Conversely, there’s a whole other side solely dedicated to sweets and ice cream. And while this does nothing to move the needle toward healthy options, there is Chloe’s Real Frozen Fruit, which is the lesser of evils and one of the better things you can get there in terms of both health and taste, with the exception of the watermelon, I suppose.

Wolfgang’s Steakhouse

4 Park Ave. New York, NY 10016 (212) 889-3369 • http://wolfgangssteakhouse.net/parkave/

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Just when you think you’ve been to every steakhouse in the city you learn that there are more. Like Wolfgang’s. And apparently there are four of them! In Manhattan alone! Who knew? Okay, just me? Well, did you also know that the founder was a former waiter for many years at Peter Luger? Oh… You knew that too. Okay then. Apparently I need to get out more.

Well, for those of you not in the know, Wolfgang is an entire chain of steakhouses, not just in New York State. That said, I have only been to the one on Park Avenue and if that location is indicative of the entire franchise, I have to say, he learned well from Peter.

The first thing he learned, obviously from someone else, is that décor adds to the experience. And while it might’ve been more of a happy accident, the ceilings are absolutely stunning (pictured). My best guess is that it was an old subway station entrance/exit, judging from the tile work.

Servers are your usual steakhouse suspects, career lifers who come on strong and confident but yet somehow manage to come off likeable at the same time. Not sure about the Somm, however, didn’t need him because I managed to find the diamond in the pricey rough on the wine list, the Turley Fredrick’s 2013 Zinfandel. It’s a keeper. And it’s maybe one of a dozen reds under a C note.

Kicking off the food stuffs, I gotta say that the bread was a bit of a miss and certainly not worth filling up on. There will be plenty of other things worthy of that. For example, the bacon, which is so massive and so fatty that one slice is easily enough for two people, if not three. Otherwise it’s a little much on top of chasing it with a steak. On the lighter side, but still quite good are both the shrimp cocktail and the oysters.

For steak, I went with the rib eye, and it was perfection. Cooked spot on medium rare and bursting with salty, butteriness. Whereas the filet mignon tasted like it was stolen from an airplane tray. First Class mind you, but from airplane tray nonetheless.

For sides, all of them were solid. From the creamed spinach and potatoes to the asparagus and onion rings. None of them epic, but all very nice supporting roles.

Sadly, we pressed our luck at the end though, going with a Key Lame Pie. Typo intended. Serves me right for getting greedy with the gluttony.

3 teeth

Shorty’s

66 Madison Ave. New York, NY 10016(212) 725-3900shortysnyc.com

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I’ve never spent any quality time in Philly, but I have had my share of brief visits to the City of Brotherly Love, and I have to say, those cheesesteaks have nothing on Shorty’s. Especially when you’ve got sharp provolone in your wheelhouse. Not to mention broccoli rabe. Yes, I like mine fancy. But I also can appreciate the purest whiz. And both are VERY on point.

Additionally, there are a host of great beers, in bottles, cans and draft. As well as some awesome fries and onion rings, just the way I like them- crunchy on the outside, tender inside.

Also, the place is perfect for a sports outing with a TV on practically every surface but your chair.

And last but not least, the lunch special – cheesesteak & a draft beer for 12 bucks, I mean faggetaboutit!

4 teeth

 

Northpoint

Mitchell International Airport 5300 S Howell Ave. Milwaukee, WI 53207 • (414) 747-5300 • northpointcustard.com

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My god was this bad. And I mean really, really bad. Not one thing was good. Not the burger, the shake or even onion rings. The only thing that was just okay were the cheese curds, but even those leave you feeling gross.

I honestly would’ve preferred to eat the food on the plane, that’s how bad it was.

The shake was too icy. The meat was over-cooked, dry and flavorless. The ingredients tasted like GMO’s. And their ketchup is Hunt’s, which should tell you something right there- even their condiments sucked.

Just so atrociously, all-out bad. Did I say it was bad yet? Oh, I did? Sorry for beating a dead horse, but I’m only doing that because it was BAD.

So, again, in summation… it was B-A-D.

1 tooth

Sandfly BBQ

8413 Ferguson Ave. Savannah, GA 31406 • (912) 356-5463 sandflybbq.com

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If it weren’t for word of mouth and Yelp, you’d probably never think twice about stepping in here. Not only is it located in a tiny strip mall, but it looks almost like a poor man’s fast food joint on a respirator- not unlike several of the centurion patrons who managed to gobble down bites in between sips of oxygen from the air hose under their nostrils. I’m guessing they are either try to get into heaven quicker, or they just want a little taste of it before they settle down there more permanently.

Now I’m not sure I would go as far as to call Sandfly’s BBQ heavenly, but there are clearly those who would. That said, it most certainly is worth the visit, provided you don’t mind the Diners, Drive ins and Dives type decor. And to be fair, I’m not even sure if it’s enough of a dive to even make it onto Guy Fieri’s radar.

But the food doesn’t disappoint, after all, it doesn’t get packed by 6pm because it’s bad. To be fair it’s only about 8 tables, but I’m guessing the case would be the same even if they had twenty. So what’s all the fuss? Well, the brisket is solid, as is the pulled pork. And they offer three sauces on every table, one hot, one sweet, one mustardy. All three are good, but my favorite was actually the sweet.

The stars for me were the sausage with peppers and onions, which went killer with the mustardy sauce and the baked beans, which needed nothing but a mouth to call home. A distant third worth getting is also the fried okra. Nothing special, but since I’m a Yankee transplant, I’m a bit of a sucker for the dish.

On the mediocre side of things were the onion rings and the collard greens. And bringing up the rear was the abysmal, watery coleslaw. Sorry, I feel the need to be especially harsh on the slaw because Savannah is the site of two of the best slaws I think I’ve ever had, between Elizabeth on 37th and The Collins Quarter.

And last but not least, the biggest disappointment of the night was the one thing I never even got to try. So hyped up was their infamous coconut cake, “made from scratch everyday.” Well, apparently not EVERY day, because they didn’t bother to make it the day I went. Grudge holder? Perhaps. But not enough to keep me from going back.

3 teeth

 

Schnippers

23 E 23rd St. New York, NY 10010(212) 233-1025 schnippers.com
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While it’s no Shake Shack, the food isn’t half bad and the line is MUCH shorter. Plus, let’s be honest, Shake Shake isn’t what it once was and I’m not just saying that because it’s currently a construction site.

But enough about the Shack, let’s talk about Schnippers, because apart from the name, which sounds like a slang term for a woman’s sexy bits, it’s actually surprisingly good, depending on what you get.

Oh, and the décor does look a lot like a giant fast food warehouse, akin to the ones you find along interstate rest stops. But apart from that…

Among the stars are the salads, believe it or not. The fig & bleu in particular is pretty damn good. Caramelized figs, apples, walnuts, bleu cheese, croutons and vinegarette. Better than most places that specialize in Just Salad.

Another shout out goes to the onion rings. Nice and crispy on the outside, soft on the inside. The way the lord intended. And yes, if the lord can care about football, then the way I see it, he can care about onion rings too.

The sweet potato fries are also pretty on point. Especially with the maple dipping sauce, which I found to be a better compliment that many of its peers.

The sloppy joe is a nice, cheap novelty as well, taking me back to my teenage years, which is probably the last time I had one. But muscle memory (the tongue is a muscle after all) didn’t forget, picking up right were my last rendezvous of sloppiness left off.

On the lesser side of impressive would be the turkey burger, which I found to be just okay. As were the regular fries, which lived up to their regular name.

So my advice, look past the décor and the name people. She’s got it going on. Not like Stacy’s mom or anything, but if you’re craving a burger joint and you don’t feel like waiting in a 2-hour line, than you could do a lot worse.

3 teeth

 

Cheddars

5221 Noggle Way Indianapolis, IN 46237 •  (317) 807-0248

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Please don’t think less of me, but not knowing what a Cheddars was, I was talked into going here by consensus of the group I was with, not that they were huge fans or anything, but they seemed optimistic upon entering, so I went with the flow.

Now, for those of you who already know what Cheddars is, I’m sure you can imagine what’s to follow. But, for those not so up on their casual dining chains, Cheddars is basically a wannabe Applebee’s. Which begs the question, who in the hell would want to be Applebee’s?

Let’s start with their “world famous” onion rings (pictured). A “must” according to our server and Yelper’s alike. Well, first, let’s back up and ask the question, does Cheddars even exist outside of the States? And secondly, the only “must” about these is that you MUST avoid them at all costs. They are terrible. No, they are worse than that. They are terrorism in onion ring form. Oily and flavorless. Like the batter is made monthly. They are easily the worst onion rings I’ve ever had, and that’s taking into account my high school cafeteria food. I can only assume people rave about them because of their impressive symmetrical stacking, which I’m guessing must be a big thing in Indiana.

Equally atrocious was the Arnold Palmer, served in a glass the size of a Super Big Gulp. It was basically tap water accented with vague hints of tea and lemon.

The other starter we shared was the spinach and cheese dip, which wasn’t exactly a total failure, meaning that I managed to swallow. Certainly nothing I would ever recommend, however.

But to be fair, because while I’m ferocious, I’m also honest, therefore I will give props where they are due- and the Buffalo chicken wrap is actually pretty good. I suggest getting extra Buffalo sauce on the side. I also suggest you still never go here, but if you are forced to, lost a bet or you’re playing truth or dare, then get the Buffalo wrap and get out.

1 tooth