5 Napkin Burger

211 Market St. Yonkers, NY 10710 • (212) 496-20315napkin.com

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If you’re doing the Ridge Hill thing and you find yourself (and/or family) craving a burger joint, you now have two options to choose from. Elevation and 5 Napkin. And while that is technically true, as far as I’m concerned you still have zero options, and you’re better off driving to White Plains for 5 Guys or Westchester Burger Co. (the Napa Burger blows this place away).

That said, 5 Napkin is better than Elevation, but unfortunately that’s not saying much. And speaking of not saying much, I don’t have many compliments in store for 5 Napkin, so if you’re a fan, start warming up your rebuttal.

The décor, as others have stated, is casual, yet cool (probably the best thing about this place) and the service, as pointed out by many, is slow. Granted not quite as bad as the rap made it out to be, but certainly not about to break any land-speed records either.

On the burger front, they most definitely live up to their name, proving to be a complete and total mess. Unfortunately that’s also true on a culinary level. The Original Burger is over sauced to the point of greasy and off-putting, and the patty itself was served rare as opposed to medium rare, as ordered.

The veggie burger was better, made with an unusually predominate beet ratio, turning the patty a novel shade of red. On the downside, the bun they use is way too dense for the softer patty and it winds up squeezing out through the sides every time you bite into it, like pink Playdoh in a garlic press.

The French fries that come with the burgers are basic and nothing to speak of, so if you were hoping for twist in plot, sadly this story is only one note. I do, however, recommend substituting the fries with the cheddar tots. They are slightly better. But, if you want truly great tots, head over to Melts in Armonk. And while you’re at it, try their Wisconsin Patty Melt too. You will be very pleasantly surprised. It’s one of the better under-the-radar “burgers” in Westchester.

And while some people might think I’m just getting my jollies throwing places like this under the bus, it couldn’t be further from the truth. I just don’t like when things are misrepresented on Yelp, so I feel the need to be the balancing wheel. Even if it stings. And sting this did, because I was sincerely looking forward to this place opening up, but sadly, I have to give 5 Napkin just two knives.

2 teeth

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Squires

 218 N State Rd. Briarcliff, NY 10510 • (914) 762-3376squiresofbriarcliff.com

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I’ve heard a lot of people swear by this burger, but after the debacle at The Blazer Pub I was very skittish, regardless of the 3-time Best of Westchester crownings. Sorry BOW, but you’re about as reliable as Yelp.

Upon entering, the crowd didn’t make me feel much better, loaded with geriatrics to the point where I could’ve sworn I was on the set of the film Cocoon 3. But as depressing as the fogey-fest was, I was more unnerved by the fact that this place belongs somewhere in the middle of the dessert along Route 66 where drifters sign up for contract killings. So feeling like Dorothy in the Land of Oz, I ordered up a pint of Stella and the Cheese Supreme Burger.

The Stella on tap was on point and the service was very friendly- in fact, even the burger is definitely good on a purist level, but best in Westchester? It’s not even in my top three. The Inn at Pound Ridge, Melts and the Napa Burger at Westchester Burger Co. all trounce the Cheese Supreme, which was a supreme disappointment initially. So much so that I had my server fetch some jalapenos stat, to resuscitate some life back into the mozzarella, cheddar and Swiss trio of tastelessness. Luckily it worked. And perhaps I’m to blame for listening to the recommendations of my waiter and Yelper’s alike, but then again, it’s more fun to blame them. And while I’m at it, the friggin’ bun was about 30% too small for the patty. I hate that. It makes me what to hire a contract killer and take out the reviews that touted this place. Hmmm… Perhaps I am in the right place after all?

2 teeth

Westchester Burger Co.

106 Westchester Ave. White Plains, NY 10601 •  (914) 358-9398westchesterburger.com
353 N Bedford Rd. Mount Kisco, NY 10549 •  (914) 218-3200

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Please don’t take these three knives lightly. I mean these guys custom season every burger to match its accoutrements. And as a result, there are burgers on the menu that easily make their way into the four knife realm. The problem, is that there are a lot of two knife burgers as well. And the sweet potato fries that everybody raves about are just “eh.” If you really want sweet potato fries to rock your world, go to Blue Smoke in Manhattan. Also, the shakes, while good, get by more on the guilty add-ins as opposed to the ice cream base.

But back to some of those four knife burgers… Numero uno would be the Napa Burger- WOW! Almost every time I don’t get this, I regret it. Fortunately it’s too big for my wife to finish, so I usually get a few bites anyways. So what makes this burger so good it guaranteed a return visit all on its own? Well, first, they marinate the patty in a Zinfandel sauce and top it with goat cheese and watercress- all aboard a sweet brioche bun. It’s somethin’ special.

Another high would be the Ba Da Bing, made with spicy Italian sausage, as opposed to ground beef, broccoli rabe, provolone, balsamic glaze all atop a focaccia bun. It’s quite inventive and quite good.

And coming in third for me would be the lamb burger served with squash and zucchini, a yogurt sauce and once again, focaccia. They can go a little crazy with the sauce on this one, so I’d recommend asking them to go light or to put it on the side.

In the middle of the road would be their namesake, the TWC – their classic with a twist, or as I like to call it, a high end Whopper. Good, but nothing I would ever order again.

Same goes for the Graziella, The Balboa and The Firehouse. Just nothing about any of them makes a big enough impression to make it worth ordering again. Especially the Firehouse. I mean with a name like that, you’re expecting some heat. C’mon, break out the habaneros or jalapenos or chili peppers- hell, break out something other than just chili.

Service was friendly and fast and they are always great with the kids. Decor is nothing THAT special, however. Not sure why so many people rave about how cool it is. Guess they don’t spend much time in the city… or at Chipotle. It’s not bad, don’t get me wrong, but it’s pretty normal by my standards. Like a Chipotle.

3 teeth

Pony Express

30 Wheeler Ave. Pleasantville, NY 10570 • (914) 769-7669 • ponyexpresstogo.com

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Really? I mean REALLY?!? Three and half stars? Are you Yelpers on crack? This place should be more aptly named Pony Excrement, because that’s what it tasted like- Horse Shit. Not one burger we ordered, and we ordered three, were even sort of good. This place makes McDonald’s taste like an explosion of gourmet brilliance.

I am seriously scratching my head at what people think is so great about these burgers. And I am not getting even for bad service or anything of the like. It’s just that the food was really that bad. Especially in comparison to other places in the area that have MUCH lower ratings. Let’s just take Westchester Burger Co.’s Napa Burger for starters… It blows away anything PE could even hope to make in their poor excuse for a kitchen. Or how about BGR (RIP)? The Wellington or the Southwestern both erupt with flavor by comparison to “The Churro” or “the Bomb” – which, in hind sight, was aptly named, because it bombed.

This place is a complete waste of calories. Don’t believe the hype. It’s probably been inflated by a bunch of stoned, drunken teenagers who wouldn’t know a great burger if it bit them in the ass.

1 tooth