La Bourgogne

Alvear Palace Hotel, Ayacucho 2023, C1112AAK CABA, Argentina • +54 11 4805-3857 • www.alvearpalace.com

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The Alvear hotel is an icon of Argentina, located at the end of one of the ritziest streets in the city, overlooking the cemetery where Evita is buried (I guess the truth is she did eventually leave them). Which is nowhere near as macabre as that sounds. In fact, they somehow mange to turn it into a selling point.

It’s like what The Drake is to Chicago or The Waldorf Astoria is to New York. Historic, grand and stupendous. So, it would only make sense that the restaurant within need live up to the reputation surrounding it. And live it did, with a veritable feast of greatness ranging across three appetizers, two entrees and three desserts. Oh, but this was not a tasting menu. This is actually how much we ordered to split just between two people. Not to mention two bottles of wine and a finale consisting of two glasses of their finest, most expensive 70-year-old port. It was truly a meal for the ages.

But surprisingly, the most remarkable thing about this meal was not the food, albeit excellent. It was the price in US dollars. Are you sitting down? Fifty. No, not fifty thousand. Fifty dollars a head. And this is with seared foie gras, filet mignon and the works. I mean, holy favorable exchange rates Batman! Ya know, I hate to use a cliché here, but at prices like these, you really can’t afford not to eat here. So book your ticket and your reservation at the same time and bon appe-gluttony!

5 teeth

Vaccaro’s

222 Albemarle St. Baltimore, MD 21202(410) 685-4905vaccarospastry.com

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If you’re looking for an éclair the size of Warren Sapp’s femur, you’ve come to the right place. In fact, pretty much every dessert in this place is so massive it’s like a weeks worth of calories per pastry. I’m guessing they never got the memo on the whole diabetes epidemic.

All that aside, I still urge you to go. It’s an immoral imperative, easily checking off the gluttony box on your bucket list of seven deadly sins. But it’s not just a gimmick, the sweets are actually pretty sweet. It reminds me of the Royal Canadian Pancake House in New York, circa 1993 (RIP). They used to serve pancakes the size of manhole covers, but I digress.

Other stars to look out for are the cannolis (pictured) and the almond cookies. Just be sure not to book a blood sugar level test any time too soon.

3 teeth

Black Angus Steakhouse

3405 Carson St. Torrance, CA 90503 • (310) 370-1523blackangus.com

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This place is everything wrong with America crammed into one building. It’s gluttony in every possible way imaginable. The booths are over-sized. The drinks are enormous. Quite literally my margarita was in a mug the size of a Super Big Gulp! And the menu is littered with a host of options all above 1000 calories a plate, with only a mere dusting of options below the 1k mark.

Everything is smothered in cheese and mayonnaise and butter.

The steak is sinewy and poor quality and the cowboy cookie tasted like something else that starts with the word “cow.”

The only things redeeming were the service and the bread.

I honestly wish I could drink Drano without dying, just so I could cleanse myself of that meal.

1 tooth