Crumbs

420 Lexington Ave. New York, NY 10170(212) 297-0500 • crumbs.com

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The whole cupcake explosion is a bit of a mystery to me. I mean, sure I like them. It’s cake for Pete’s sake! But entire bakeries solely devoted to them seems a bit much. Is it simply born out of our own laziness? Is cutting up a large singular cake so inconvenient that we need individually sized versions? Apparently.

And it’s a slippery slope from there. Now everyone feels as compelled as possible to make these little cups of individually sized cake as special as they can be, cramming 10 pounds of shit in a 5 ounce cup. Almost as if someone decided that cupcakes are the new ice cream. So now we’ve got cookies and cream cupcakes. Chocolate chip cookie dough cupcakes. Reese’s, Snicker, M&M and Mint Chocolate Chip- not to mention the cake varieties like German chocolate, red velvet, chocolate and vanilla.

But enough preaching about the absurd cupcake craze. You just want to hear how Crumbs stacks up. Well, considering I hate the entire genre as a rule, not well. Crumbs is at the bottom of the barrel, with said barrel already lodged firmly at the bottom of the ocean.

The cupcakes are massive and so overly sugary that you feel gross after two bites. There is no nuance to be found. No moisture or airiness in the cake itself. They just go for the jugular and throw caution (and diabetes) to the wind. That said, it’s great for other people’s kids… who you secretly hate.

2 teeth

 

Baked by Melissa

Everywhere in New York City that there isn’t already a Starbucks or a Chase
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When Melissa first hit the scene at her hole-in-the-wall location in Soho, I thought, “hey, what a great idea!” Tiny, bite-sized cupcakes, because sometimes all we want is a little hit of sweet. Not a gut bomb of sugary commitment.

Now, while the rest of this review might sound like the bitter rantings of someone who should’ve invested when they had the chance, that’s honestly the most I can admit about her cupcakes. Because while her business model is genius, her cupcakes- not so much.

Usually dry, they basically taste like shrunken down versions of Crumbs, which I’m also not a fan of. It’s like someone one day decided that cupcakes weren’t desert-y enough being just cake with frosting on top, so they decided to cram a bunch of other desserts in ’em, making them so friggin’ sweet you’ll practically be begging for an insulin shot, even if you’re not a diabetic.

I much prefer the likes of Buttercup, Magnolia and Terri for my cakes of the cupping kind.

2 teeth

 
 

Vaccaro’s

222 Albemarle St. Baltimore, MD 21202(410) 685-4905vaccarospastry.com

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If you’re looking for an éclair the size of Warren Sapp’s femur, you’ve come to the right place. In fact, pretty much every dessert in this place is so massive it’s like a weeks worth of calories per pastry. I’m guessing they never got the memo on the whole diabetes epidemic.

All that aside, I still urge you to go. It’s an immoral imperative, easily checking off the gluttony box on your bucket list of seven deadly sins. But it’s not just a gimmick, the sweets are actually pretty sweet. It reminds me of the Royal Canadian Pancake House in New York, circa 1993 (RIP). They used to serve pancakes the size of manhole covers, but I digress.

Other stars to look out for are the cannolis (pictured) and the almond cookies. Just be sure not to book a blood sugar level test any time too soon.

3 teeth