Kerby Lane Cafe

2606 Guadalupe StAustin, TX 78705 • (512) 477-5717 • kerbeylanecafe.com

Just steps away from the University of Texas campus, Kerby gets a ton of business from students who are either nursing a hangover or feeding the munchies. And as a result, the reviews on Yelp are insanely skewed if you ask moi.

The queso is not the second coming. It’s just okay and nowhere near as good as the hype makes it out to be. It’s way too watery and compared to Torchy’s, let’s just say it gets torched.

The pancakes are crap. Dry and flavorless. Don’t let that picture fool you. The Cinnamon Roll being only marginally better than the Lemon Poppy, but that’s not saying much. In fact, I think Kerby owes my stomach a formal apology for these discs of disappointment.

Also unworthy of my jaw muscles was the Cuban benedict, which sounds great on laminated paper, but is so overcooked you’d think they were try to kill the chicken who laid the eggs.

The only thing I can say was even mildly decent was the green chili mac & cheese with fried chicken. It’s good. But even that needed extra chili to give it enough kick. I did like how the fried chicken remained crispy even though it sat in a bowl of creamy mac though. What I did not like is that the mac and cheese is school cafeteria grade. And what I actually hate is when a typical diner gets inflated into a legend.

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White Wolf Cafe

1829 N Orange Ave. Orlando, FL 32804(407) 895-9911 whitewolfcafe.com

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It boggles the mind that we had to wait 20 minutes for a table in this shit hole. Almost as if we were in some sort of alternate universe theme park where people flocked to eat garbage. I know I’m laying it on thick right now, but it was so bad I honestly couldn’t wait to get the airport to eat some better food. But on the plus side, I didn’t get botulism, so I suppose I should call it win.

To be fair, there was one other plus, the cinnamon roll was actually very good. Served piping hot and ooey-gooey. But the crap benedict- er, I mean crab benedict (pictured) was inedible. I only had about a quarter of it because it was such a pile of indistinguishable mush. I couldn’t even tell where the crab ended and the home fries began. Much less the egg and the English muffin.

The Galileo salad wasn’t much better. In fact, I want to personally apologize to the historically renown astronomer on behalf of White Wolf, because the salad wasn’t even close to astronomical and thus has no right bearing his name.

On the semi-bad side of things, the chicken salad croissant sandwich was about what you might expect to get at a Cibo.

Worst of all, however, was after waiting those 20 minutes to be seated, the only available table was in the worst possible location in the entire restaurant, right in between the exit from the kitchen and the wait station with mere inches on either side. This was mitigated only slightly by the comfort of knowing that there really isn’t a good table here, because at the end of the day every table here is a loser.

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