Bar Suzette

Chelsea Market 425 W 15th St. New York, NY 10011, Chelsea(917) 727-2169

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I know this place is technically a creperie, but having admired this burger from afar for several years, I finally bit the bullet (and the burger, obviously), going all in on Suzette’s crown jewel of overloaded meat. But did I stop there? Oh no. I went truffle fries too! Oh yes. And so close to bikini season too! Because I live on the edge people. You want Timid Foodie, you go elsewhere.

As a name, the Park Royal (pictured) just sounds amazing, right? In fact, the moment I laid eyes on that chalkboard menu I was in. Topped with caramelized onions, bacon, cheese and a fried egg, all stacked on a brioche bun, the Royal isn’t exactly breaking the mold in terms of inventiveness, but they stick the landing on proportions, so the flavor nets out pretty bang-on. It’s messy as all get out though, so move over 5 Napkin, I easily burnt through twice that on this puppy.

And speaking of burning through things, I normally don’t finish my fries because I’m either too full or feeling too guilty to do so, but these were so good I dug deep and closed the deal. Good thing “dad bod” is en vogue, otherwise I’d be Park Royally screwed.

3 teeth*And a half

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The Billy Goat Tavern

430 N Michigan Ave. Chicago, IL 60611(312) 222-1525billygoattavern.com

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The best thing about this place by far is the SNL skit with John Belushi long ago. Now it’s just a bar clinging to its 15 minutes of fame way past the expiration date.

It’s located under Michigan Avenue. Yes, under and it reeks of the tourist trap that it is, complete with employees bellowing out “Cheezborger! Cheezborger!” in thick Greek accents every time someone orders a cheeseburger. Which is fun for the first five seconds and after that becomes the verbal equivalent of water droplets in a Chinese torture chamber.

On the plus side, having these burgers at your beckon call while you drink is sort of like having a White Castle that serves booze, so kudos there. Beyond that, there isn’t much else to it apart from the historic novelty of the infamous “Curse.”

As the legend goes, back in 1945 during Game 4 of the World Series, the owner of the Billy Goat Tavern went to attend the game at Wrigley Field with his actual pet goat. Shockingly, and by that I mean “not shocking, “ the owners of Wrigley Field turned him away due to the smell of said goat. Insulted, the Billy Goat Owner placed a Greek curse on the Chicago Cubs, barring them from ever returning to the World Series again. And while this may sound like a bunch of malarkey, 70 years later the curse appears to still be standing strong, whereas the Cubs, not so much.

2 teeth