Canuck

Vancouver Airport • 3211 Grant McConachie Way Richmond, BC, Canada V7B 1M8

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There is a surprisingly thin selection of places to sit and grab a bite to eat in the morning at the Vancouver airport. So, unless you want to try your luck at Tim Horton’s or Burger King, I’m afraid your mouth just got backed into a corner. A corner that serves supermarket orange juice and French Canadian toast that tastes like empty calories and a poor interpretation of the breakfast classic, even with the addition of the Great White North’s bounty, maple syrup.

The breakfast sandwich, however, is much better, made on a brioche roll with a runny egg, marinated mushrooms, bacon, cheese, lettuce, tomato and mayonnaise. It’ll do the trick, but it’s not exactly something you would ever swoon over unless you’re nursing a hangover.

Décor is non-existent, assuming you don’t count giant flat screen TV’s playing hockey games as decor, service is friendly and there’s nothing else to really say about this place apart from the convenience of being near your gate.

2 teeth

Five Guys

240 Main St. White Plains, NY 10601 • (914) 422-3483 • fiveguys.com

FiveGuys

Dear 5 Guys,

Lose the peanuts and spend the money on shakes. What kind of burger joint doesn’t have shakes? It’d be like a raw bar serving up shrimp cocktail without cocktail sauce!

That MAJOR gripe aside, the burgers themselves are pretty good. In fact, a lot of East Coasters even claim them to be the In n’ Out Burger of the East. Granted most of those East Coasters are either delusional or simply mind-fucking themselves into believing it, but even with all the wishful thinking in the world, comparing them to the likes of In n’ Out is a VERY generous bridge too far. I mean sure, it’s great that the burgers are better than Burger King, and I’m even happy to give 5 guys the upper hand when it comes to their fries (light years better than the cardboard crap at In n’ Out), but I’d take a Double Double Animal Style any day over 5 Guys. Which brings me to my second major gripe, I don’t like burger places without a point of view. As Ego would say in the movie Ratatouille, “give me some perspective.” I hate “make your own burger” places. If I wanted to make my own burger I would’ve done it AT HOME! I came to you because I just wanted to pick out something interesting off of a menu. Ideally a combination of things that I wouldn’t have thought of.

So, with these two major dings going against it, 5 Guys is definitely not getting 5 Knives.

3 teeth

Joseph Leonard

170 Waverly Pl. New York, NY 10014(646) 429-8383josephleonard.com

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Okay Yelpers, I’m done. Never again shall I listen to you. You have steered me wrong too many times and I think I need to start going my own way from here on. No more reading your recommendations. I mean, the croissant egg sandwich? Really? So much raving and for what? It’s as if everyone missed the 80’s when these things first hit the scene… at Burger King! And I’m sorry to rain on the parade, but it ain’t like this one is anything special. I’ve had FAR superior egg sammies at droves of other places. So please, please PLEASE don’t waste your order listening to the conformist cattle blabber on about this severely mediocre dish.

Instead, I implore you to GET THE EGGS BENNY!!! It is incredible! In my top three of all time. Just perfection. Made with lox and a scallion creme fraiche, which is brilliant for those who don’t like hollandaise (my wife).

As for decor, the place is quaint and charming. But my other major gripe is with the service. First, when the waitress brought my fresh squeezed juice, she ruined it by filling the tiny glass with ice, a pet peeve of mine, but that’s not the gripe. Upon asking her to bring me juice with no ice instead, she simply removed the ice from that glass, giving me back a 3/4 full SMALL glass of juice. As if for $4 a glass they can’t afford to top off a full 6oz squirt of OJ? Cheap bastards!

But that’s still not why I’m docking the knife for service. Upon clearing the table, the waitress actually had the fem-balls to rest the dirty plates on my shoulder as she stacked them on top of it!!! WTF?!?! Who does that?!?

Had I openly bitched about the 3/4 glass of OJ I might have understood it as revenge, but I said nothing. About either. Until now.

Sorry J.L. You’re good, but you’ve got some work to do before you’re great.

3 teeth